Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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