just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
