Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can I color on your dick again?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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