i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
