just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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