I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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