I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize