I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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