When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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