First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
