That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
