I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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