What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
