I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize