I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
