I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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