Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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