please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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