I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
