her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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