i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My bed smells like the plague
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
