theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
