I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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