here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
