a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
