wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
