im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
