peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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