Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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