My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
