I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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