He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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