There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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