he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
