shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
