I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
