this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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