Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize