You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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