woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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