I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
