Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
