Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
