It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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