i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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