i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
