I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
