I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
