how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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