he wants to bone in the snuggie
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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