the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Couch. On fire.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
