i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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