the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
