I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
