You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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