And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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