How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
