he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
