i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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